Confidence

Well, yesterday definitely did not go the way that I had hoped for. I felt like I was confident and ready at the start, but quickly let self doubt take over. As soon as my legs started to get tired, it consumed me. As soon as the first girl past me, my eyes and head moved south. I stopped believing in myself and I stopped trusting God. I guess part of me assumed that since I had asked God to help me to run for His glory, that the race and a PR would be handed over to me on a silver platter. That I could sit back and not have to hurt to make it happen. Oh boy was I wrong. My mom described it to me as, "sure God had given me all the ingredients to make the bread, but I still have to put it in the oven to make it rise." I lost all of my confidence in Him because He wasn't doing it all for me. I need help to understand that God isn't going to do it all for me, He is there to GUIDE me. I am in much better physical shape than how I performed on the track yesterday, but none of that matters if my head is not screwed on straight. It's frustrating to me that I gave up on myself and lost trust in God because I continually stress, to all of you, the importance of giving it all to Him. Today, I am praying for God's help. I need help. I don't have all of the answers. I can't expect all of this to come easy. God wants me to lean on Him and He keeps trying to tell me do so and I STILL, in the grand scheme of things, rely on myself. I read a devotional today that talked about addictions. About people who have an addiction, that no matter how much they pray to God or talk about God to others, they still continue to put all of the strength and will into their addiction. My addiction is running. Even though I thank God everyday for blessing me with the talent and tell Him that running will never take precedent over Him, I still put all of my strength into running. This is not the right path. And God doesn't want it to be that way. He is my number one, and until I stop putting running first, He is going to continue to test me and show me that He wants me to trust Him. He wants me to run to him. I would really like to ask all of you to pray for me. Pray that I will stop putting running first. Pray that I will trust Him with all my heart. Pray that I will put my bread in the oven.