Down But Not Out

"God is with the broken hearted. For then he knows that all they will have to lean on is Him." Today, I must live by my own words that I spoke about last week. I can not let myself be sucked into a vat of blame and self reliance. I have to lean on God for help. Yesterday during my run, I stepped onto a rock that shot a web of pain through my hurt foot. Halfway into my run, and I couldn't walk without a limp. It was a sharp pain at first that spread like an electric shock through the nerves of my foot. I tried to walk it off and it slowly began to feel lifeless. I knew it was hurt, but was in denial. I thought surely that this wasn't happening again. I couldn't of really hurt it. The rock probably just provided me with a similar scenario to rolling your ankle. Once I walked it off, it would be better right? Wrong. As I walked the mile and a half back to the car, tears were building, anger was rising, and hope was dying. I wanted to open my mouth and scream. I wanted to fall to my hands and knees and ask why. But in doing so, would I not be showing God that everything that I had written about him last week was all pretend? Would I not be a hypocrite of my own tongue? So instead of lashing out at God, or asking Him for immediate answers, I did the only thing that I knew that could ease the pain. I prayed. I asked God to help me to not fall back into my old ways of blame and anger towards Him. I asked Him to strengthen my will so that I would not begin to try and control the situation. I asked Him to help me to live by the words that I have written in the past week. I asked Him to heal me. To heal my breaking heart, that it would be strongly held together. To heal my head, that anxious and panic thoughts would dismiss themselves from existence. Also, of course, to heal my foot. I was desperate for an ear. Desperate for someone to listen. Desperate for a shoulder to lean on. Desperate for God. When I got back to my apartment, I knew the drill. Ice, elevate, ice, etc. The pain was similar to last week, but with less intensity. This time it went down my arch and across the top of my foot. I was exhausted from the morning, and in my attempt to read an essay for class, I found my eyelids to be very heavy, and I fell asleep. When I woke up, I tried putting weight on my foot. It hurt. But more like an "I've been icing my foot so much that its tight and numb," kind of hurt. I did, however, find comfort when I put a shoe on. Any support helped at this point. After a few meals, some more icing, homework, and another desperate prayer, I finally curled up in a blanket and slept through the night. When I woke up this morning, I expected to take one step off my bed and feel every bit of pain possible. It didn't happen that way though. It was sore. Sure it hurt a bit, but nothing like what I expected. This provoked a huge sigh of relief. I got dressed for practice and fastened my shoe tightly around my foot for support. When I got to practice, I headed to my training room for rehab. Balance drills, moving marbles, and stretching seemed comfortable. The trainers saw no definite signs of worry. They said I most likely just irritated my plantar fascia as well as the other muscles and ligaments that I had hurt last weekend. Not great news, but definitely not the worst. I walked out feeling okay, but definitely in need of comfort. Sure, it would be easier to sit in my bed and cry all day about how bad things always happen to me. I could yell at God and blame Him for hurting me again. Say the dreaded, "How could You do this to me," phrase and be full of anger. But I can't, I won't. Sure I want answers, but I'm not going to ask. Asking why will get me no where. I just need to put my full faith and trust in God that He is doing this for a greater purpose. It will be hard, but I know that He will give me the strength to get through. He doesn't abandon us, so I refuse to abandon hope in Him.