A Fall Tale

Recent events in my life have built up so many words of discouragement, anger, confusion, and worry in my head that it only seemed fit to spill them onto a blank page in physical word form. I have never blogged before but it seems needed at the moment, so I am just going to roll with it. This weekend I had my first indoor track meet up in Blacksburg, Virginia.  Saying I wasn't anxious/nervous about the race would be a lie, however, I was eerily calm compared to my usual frantic "race-day" self. Warming up for the race was normal as ever. (That is, if your definition of normal is a 15 minute warm up in negative degree weather, in the snow, constantly dodging sheets of black ice...) Despite the less than ideal conditions, my legs were loose, my adrenaline was pumping, and my eyes were burning with fire. A quick talk with coach, a prayer with teammate Kim, and a few quick strides were all that separated me from my first attempt at an indoor mile. The starter called us to the line and any nerves that I had built up in my head melted away as my toe edged the white waterfall line. Kim and I were seeded in the outside lines, meaning we would have to run 50m until we could break into the inside lanes. Runners Set, POW. We took off around the first curve. Then it happened. In my attempt to break into the inside lane, an unknown runner behind me clipped my foot, and the next thing I knew, I was tumbling across the track. When I finally came to a halt, three things were for sure: 1. the whole right side of my body was burning from sliding on rubber 2. my ankle was screaming as though hot wax were being poured onto it 3. my first indoor race ever, was over. Trainers swarmed me and removed me slowly from the track onto a stretching table. They tried calming me down, but all I could do was cry. Sure my ankle hurt, but my heart hurt worse. The fire in my eyes wasn't dimming as I watched teammate Kim run a great race landing her in second. Jealousy flooded the inside but elation for her poured outside. To keep a long story from dragging on, I left the track that night with a wrapped ankle, peroxide covered burns, and a sagging head. Around 2 am, I realized that the whole "sleep thing" wasn't happening. So much stress, anxiety, sadness, and pain took up all of the room in my bed, so all I could do was toss and turn in discomfort. The next morning, I woke up with a swollen foot and decided to head downstairs to find my trainers before our morning team meeting. I got on the elevator slowly and as it descended, I started to feel dizzy. I took three steps off the elevator, lost balance, and passed out. After a few seconds, and in a desperate attempt to get cold air into my lungs, I tried to crawl my way outside of the hotel with friend Brittany pulling me along. I made it outside just before the second fainting spell hit me. I was out (in the) cold..ha how punny. To keep the story shorter again, I eventually was helped up to my room and I laid with my foot propped on pillows and covered in ice. I shoved oatmeal and bananas into my queasy stomach and tried so hard to stop the salty water from pouring out of my eyes. Just when I thought that all hope was lost, my mom sent me this text, "Wish I could be there. Stop trying to be in control of everything. How many times do you have to be tested to remind you that you are not in control. Rise above, ask for help and guidance through prayer. If you don't get an answer then you probably aren't listening. It's clear to me that God is showing you that you've got to stop trying to control it all. Don't become a tragedy. Move on, be positive, laugh, and let go." Wow, talk about a game changer. How is it possible that in times of need, mothers know exactly what to say? She couldn't have hit the nail harder than that if she tried. You see, that it what I do. When I feel like I am superwoman, then I am a happy camper. For the past three years it has proven as a failing plan resulting in 5 stress fractures. It's either that I overtrain myself, lift too heavy, or don't take care of the little things. You would think that I would have learned by now right? But wait, this time was out of my control so why did it happen? Why do I have such bad luck? Does God hate my relationship with track? That's when I realized, He doesn't hate my relationship with track...He envies it. I spend 99% of my time thinking, breathing, and sleeping running. Every mile I run, every nutrient I eat, every dream I have emulates running rather than my relationship with God. How is it that I got so far off my God laid path? Why did I let it come to this? Good news is, I have a few days of resting with propped pillows and frozen peas to start asking for help...but more importantly, listening.